All the Reasons Why
by tinkerbelldetention101
Summary: Because she did love him, really she did. Disclaimer: I own nothing. I'm also aware that this has likely been done before, and I've no intention of stealing another writer's work, simply putting my own thoughts on the complex nature of sisterhood and the relationship between these two on paper.


**All the Reasons Why**

It hurts to see him, you know. There's so much of you in him, for all he looks like his father. Those eyes…they give him away at a glance. I hate his eyes, your eyes. They haunt me.

I remember the first time I ever saw your eyes. I was 3. You were a newborn. Mum and Dad had just brought you home from the hospital. You opened your eyes, and I knew you were something else. How I hated your eyes. I loved you, but I hated your eyes; they made you different, special, told a story I couldn't read. His eyes do the same.

You were always beautiful. All that long red hair, that ivory skin, those gorgeous emerald eyes. I was tall, gangly, with far too much neck and hair the dullest shade of blonde, eyes that weren't blue enough, and a nose that turned up just a little too much for my face. I despised your beauty, though I didn't say it. He is every bit as beautiful as you were.

Your magic set you apart, took you from me. I had to endure months alone, with no sister to keep me company. You had been my only friend for years; I was lost without you, and so jealous of the world you were a part of. The day we found him on our doorstep, I knew he'd be the same. I knew one day he'd leave me for a world I couldn't belong to, and I'd be alone again, with no reminder of the sister I loved so much.

I remember each summer you came home, turning teacups into frogs and making dishes float about. I longed to do it, too, and I hated you for being able to do something I couldn't. When it was his turn to go, I didn't know they'd changed the rules, that he couldn't do magic at home until he was 17. I lost sleep over the thought of your son badgering mine with his ability to do magic, a thing my son couldn't do. I had wondered, at one point, if there was a possibility that my Dudley would be like you, since you had come out of the blue. He never showed any signs though, and I knew he wouldn't get a letter.

I think that's why I never let them grow close; I didn't want my Dudley to suffer the same heartache that I had upon Harry's departure for that school. I had hoped, of course, that if we did not encourage his magic during his formative years, he may not go at all, and then I could really keep that part of you with me. I know now that I was wrong. If I had it to do over again, I know I would've done it differently.

I wouldn't have let Vernon and Dudley be so cruel to him. I would've told him all about you and your husband. He longed to know so much, and I think my refusal to answer his questions kept him from being able to know himself completely. I had him doing so much, and gave him so little in return. Looking back, I'm surprised no one ever called for help for him. He wanted so much to be loved, and yet in our house, that was something he never found. How I wish I could go back and hug that broken little boy and tell him I did love him.

I did, Lily. I did love your boy. I did a horrible job of showing it, and I don't deserve your forgiveness, or James', or even Harry's. But I loved him. He was yours; how could I not? And in the end, though he never knew I loved him, he saved me and my family. He hid us from your kind, the ones who would've hurt or even killed us as they did you. All those years, and I never once fully understood why you died. It had simply been another abandonment on your part, leaving me to raise your child.

He's a good boy, your Harry. And it's no thanks to me, I know. I hope you are watching him, that you are proud of him. I heard he's gotten married, Jenny I think? No. Ginny. That's it. Dudley has kept up with him a bit, said they've got a baby named James now. I think they've another on the way. He's a good man, and how he turned out that way after the mess I allowed my family to make of his childhood is beyond me. He must have your good nature in his veins, for he certainly didn't learn it in my house.

I've made so many mistakes, Lily. Letting you believe I hated you, treating your son as I did, keeping knowledge of his own mother from him, lying to him about the two of you-I've done horrible things. I'm so sorry, Lily. I'll never know if you can forgive me, for you've been gone for many years now, but I hope your good nature remains intact wherever you are now, and that you can find it in your heart of hearts to forgive your sister.

_So. Ya. I'm totally aware that I should be working on my other story, but I've kind of hit a road block, and I don't like the way the chapter keeps turning out. I don't like this much either, it feels very choppy to me, but I'm hoping it'll help kick my writer's block._

_On a slightly more personal note, keep your fingers crossed for us-we need to go speak to my oldest son's foot specialist (I can never spell the word, and I'm not even going to try!) about surgery for his legs. His PT and his pediatrician think he might be big enough._


End file.
